Flight of an Exile
by S-Bumblebee
Summary: The Thanagarian Invasion is over and the Earth is once again safe, but in the aftermath Shayera Hol has condemned herself to a self made exile. In the months of her exile Shayera must fight with her emotions even as she fights to survive. *completed*
1. Chapter 1

**An/ Before I let you read this, I just want to say a big thanks to Loki's Son for encouraging me to go back to this, its something I had been considering for a long while but never seemed to manage to get started. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this :)**

**Shayera Hol and Justice League belong to their respective owners of course.**

Flight of an exile

Chapter One

'_I've spent the last five years torn between my feelings and my duty, I won't ask you to do the same. Therefore I am resigning from the Justice League, effective immediately." _

The only sound she could hear was the rushing of the wind in her ears as she flew without any particular direction in mind, she didn't care where she was or where she was going, all she knew was that she couldn't go back. There was no place for her there anymore, she had betrayed them and had lied to them all of this time. The wind suddenly grew in strength, pulling at her hair and wings and wrenching her upward but Shayera didn't fight it, couldn't fight it. Instead she let it carry her as if she were a molted feather from a bird's wing, her direction and final destination unknown, destined to wander wherever the wind was willing to carry her. Like wild snakes her long red locks of hair whipped up and danced in response to further gusts, there was no longer a helmet upon her head to keep them under control and similarly it was no longer there to conceal her face. Her sorrowful eyes were uncovered for all to witness and so too were the persistent tears that streaked her cheeks and clouded her vision.

"_Was it all a lie?"_

Through her tears she could barely see where she was going, everything was a blur of colour and odd, disjointed shapes as she tried desperately to see and likewise cease her tears, but no matter how many times she wiped at her eyes, fresh tears instantly replaced the old. There were very few occasions in which she had ever cried and fewer still in which she had cried to this degree, but no matter what she tried it would not stop. A strangled sob choked out of her as she tried if futilely to swallow it down. She needed to stop but the pain was so raw, so encompassing that once she quelled one attack, another shortly began. Eventually she was forced to succumb to her anguish because she could hardly breathe and hardly see, a combination that could prove fatal for her when flying miles above land and sea. Blinking feverishly and wiping at her eyes with the edges of her fingers, she finally caught sight of a tiny island that would suit as a place to rest her tired body. With a small adjustment to her wings she descended, graceful and angelic even if her soul was stained with a guilt heavier than anyone should have to bear.

"_For Thanagar to live, Earth must die." _

Through her disorientation her landing was much rougher than normal, knees skidding and pushing into the wet sand as her hands awkwardly broke her fall. Shayera didn't stop to check for injuries, rather she turned onto her side and huddled into a small ball, trembling from head to foot as her heartbreak consumed her at last. Around her the ocean rumbled as if murmuring its own sorrowful voice alongside hers, its waters lapping at the island's edge and licking at her body as it reached for her small form lying close to the tide. Time became insignificant to Shayera, all she could do was feel even if it was unbearable, so much so that her painful whimpers were fragments of her native language rather than that of this world. She was confused, ashamed and heartbroken, so many emotions that they overwhelmed her. What had she become? Who was she? Was she Lieutenant Hol? Hawkgirl? Was she John's Sunshine or Hro's Promised? The answer she found however was always the same... she was a traitor, nothing more and nothing less.

A long time passed before her cries finally died down, her winged form however remained huddled on the sand unbothered by the water that had slowly soaked at parts of her clothing or the sand that had found itself within her hair and upon her skin. Feeling emotionally exhausted, her heart throbbed as if it had been run through with a hot knife with no hope of the blade ever being removed, but with the fear that it would forever be twisted and forced deeper. All she could feel was loss, loss of her home world, of her promised one, of her lover, of her family and even the loss of her identity. She has nothing left and nothing to find, her heart is trapped in the past because from this moment on she doesn't have a future, doesn't expect it nor want it, there is only the pain that sears her and curses her. She feels hopeless and broken, disgusted at herself and ashamed of what she has become and what she has done, she feels guilt for betraying her friends and betraying her home, she feels hatred for the person she sees in her reflection and she loathes the vulnerability and hopelessness that fills her every being. Eventually after some considerable time later, she managed to unravel herself from her foetal position, eyes sore and burning from their dehydration while her face remains red and blotchy. Another attack threatens to overwhelm her yet again but she takes in a shaky breath and pushes her fingers through her hair while reciting a simple mantra to herself.

"_I can do this, it's going to be okay. I can do this..." _

The back of her throat constricts and she almost vomits as the taste of acrid bile sears her throat, but she manages to swallow the reflex back down. She feels sick to her stomach, she is a traitor and has condemned her very own people to a war they cannot win, has condemned them to slavery at the hands of the brutal and merciless Gordanians. All so that she could protect a planet that no longer holds a place for her, a planet full of life and promise and a wondrous people who have so much to teach the likes of herself about a life lived without ever present conflict. Sitting back on her haunches with shaky breaths, she takes a look around at her bleak surroundings, the sun is beginning to set and there is very little upon the island except for a few scraggily trees and shrubs. For a moment she wondered why she had been foolish enough to leave without bringing any supplies, all she had was herself and the clothes she wore, she didn't even have her mace, it practically broke every rule of survival training she had ever learned and they were the things she would have to live by from now on.

"_I love you John, I never lied about that."_

She suddenly realised painfully why she didn't bring anything and the shock of it hits her in the chest and threatens to yet again spur her into another tearful outburst. When she had stood before him keeping her back and her heart to him, she had wondered what he might say, what he thought, she wondered if he would take her back and whether or not she could allow him to. From all the sadness she already felt nothing could have compared with the few words he had shared with her as their final moments together, his questioning her of what they had been, if what she had felt was a lie. It was yet another cut against her already mutilated heart. Had she lied? Of course not, John was the most real thing she had ever experienced and when she finally confessed for the first time that what she held for him was love she waited in the cold face of his silence. John's expression had been a mask to her all except for the clear pain in his eyes that she knew she would see in her dreams and her memories knowing that she would never forgive herself for putting such pain in those beautiful, warm brown eyes. His silence though, the heartbreaking silence at her confession would meet with no competition from the rest of the sorrow she already felt. It had hurt too much, had stabbed at her a hundred times as the seconds dragged on while she waited for him to say something, _anything_... to return the sentiment or condemn her, either would have been better than the silence he offered instead. So she had done the only thing she could do against his silence, she took off as she said she would, leaving for places unknown.

"_Somewhere where the fate of the world isn't in my hands. Someplace where there are no more secrets, no more lies." _

All the while as she glided away from those who had become her friends and family and from the man that she had come to love more than any other in her life, she pleaded in her heart. She pleaded silently to him to call her back, shout out her name and tell her that she could stay or that he would go with her, that he'd stay with her no matter what had or would happen. But she never heard the deep baritone voice she loved, she never heard anything except for the roaring wind in her ears and the sobs that shook her. She had promised herself that she wouldn't cry but it was yet another broken promise to go alongside the dozens that had come before. Inside she berated her stupidity, she should have packed supplies but deep in her bruised heart she had hoped that someone would stop her, that John would stop her and embrace her and tell her everything was going to be okay, but her hopes had been torn down and she was left with nothing, not even the reassurance that John may love her or even impossibly forgive her. There was no forgiveness or love to be had, there was only silence and a heart full of pain.

Heartbroken, guilt ridden and alone Shayera curled up by a somewhat almost dead tree, the sky looming in dull blues as the night began to descend. She didn't bother to light a fire preferring instead to wrap her wings around her form for warmth, nor did she bother to find food because her desire to eat was non-existent. She watched the stars as they slowly revealed themselves and she wondered of Hro Talak and her people's return to Thanagar. However her thoughts began to wander until she began to remember the times when she had watched the stars with John, pointing out constellations and giving names to random stars that they could see despite knowing what their actual names were. An uninvited but fond memory flashed across her vision but she forced it away unable to allow herself to remember it, it was over now, her brief and pure happiness was over, and it was no more than she deserved. Hugging her knees and feeling lost to the rest of the world Shayera Hol fell into a fitful sleep, forcing herself to accept that no one was going to come and look for her, John wouldn't appear beside her and convince her to come back. She was alone and she was going to remain that way for a long time to come.

* * *

The following night Shayera left her small island seclusion. She had spent the previous day wandering amongst her small refuge in search of any supplies that she could use or take with her having realised that it would be unsafe for her to travel in the day. To her dismay the island could provide her with nothing, not even anything of worth to eat despite her lack of appetite. A deep sickness still occupied the pit of her stomach and even the mere thought of food made her feel physically sick, but she knew that the cause of it was not due to illness. The torrent of emotions she had been suffering through on the night of her arrival had for the moment ceased, enabling her to bury them as she had always done throughout her life. It was a skill she had always held within her repertoire enabling her to be hard headed and resistant without anyone seeing the vulnerability that resided inside of her. It was a skill that had been built upon from a young age after her Father had told her one day that:

'_Crying changes nothing, soldiers don't cry.'_

For as long as she could remember she had buried the woman beneath the soldier but now that the soldier was gone she could only bury it beneath another facade, another mask, because she had always worn one whether it be physical or emotional. There had only been one person that she could say had truly managed to lift those invisible masks away but he was long behind her now and only visible to her as the fragmented green colour that occupied her broken and disjointed dreams.

At the dawning of the night she had taken flight, leaving her small island behind her as she ascended into the cool sky. The very moment her wings had pushed down and forced her up, Shayera felt the breeze wash over her and relieve her troubled mind if only temporarily. Flying was engrained into her very being, into her very core, she loved to fly and it was the one thing that could consol her when nothing else or anyone else could. Throughout the entirety of her young life she had flown relentlessly leaving the security of the shelters to practice acrobatics and flight patterns in secret. Even when her parents returned from the war and she could spend a few days with them before they left for another battle, she had often still continued to leave for hours at a time to fly. On one occasion when her Father had found her and scolded her for leaving the safety of their home as well as missing the training session he had planned for them, she had explained to him why she continued to run off to fly in secret. She wanted to join the _Hark'nvesh_, an elite Thanagarian flying squad named after the giant hawk-like birds that lived in the large nests of Thanagar's mountains.

The _Hark'nvesh_ or _Harksh _as they were sometimes called were acrobatic soldiers that battled in the sky fighting the artificially winged Gordanians in death defying twists and turns. Shayera had grown up admiring them, dreaming to join their squads after completing her academy training. However, her dream had been crushed after it was decided that her characteristics were better applied elsewhere, more specifically her unusual level of curiosity and adaptability. She was entered into the recently created Espionage wing. Even now as she flew higher than normal, tolerating the thinner air to ensure that she couldn't be seen from below, Shayera wondered how different her life might have been if she had been allowed to join the _Harksh_.

Undoubtedly she knew that regardless of whether she had been a recruit of espionage or of the _Harksh_, she would have met Hro Talak. In the evenings after a gruelling day of training at the academy Shayera often ventured to the lower levels of Thanagar's high towered cities in search of her favourite bar. She didn't like the more refined bars that resided in the high altitude upper columns, preferring instead to drink with those who were deemed unworthy of joining Thanagar's esteemed military. The reason behind this was for the simple reason that she was tired of being analysed and watched with high expectations, the members of her family as far back as they could be traced had all been highly respected and honourable soldiers, her Father and Mother included, and it was expected that she would be too. Hro Talak was the same, a young officer with all the finest qualities that could be expected from a man born with direct relations to the Thanagarian elders, he was destined to become a Commander and no one had any doubt that he'd make it.

It was on one of the nights that she had selected to journey to her bar for a drink that a young Hro Talak had tumbled into her after receiving a punch to the jaw. A small brawl had broken out as they did in all of the best bars and Hro had grinned at her broadly even as she shoved him back into the fray and shortly joined herself, picking up the bar stool she had been seated on and whacking the nearest Thanagarian with it. Afterward when every man and woman was either exhausted or unconscious, she and Hro had shared a drink together finding that their family honours and blue blood like heritage a source of common ground.

In one forceful beat of her wings Shayera dragged herself back into the present and pushed the memory away, pressing it into the growing knot of pain that she had stowed away in her heart. Hro Talak had changed so much since she had left Thanagar all of those years ago for her mission to Earth, but it wasn't the first time that she had wondered if she had been the one to change rather than him. She knew that wherever he was that he must hate her, the electrical burn that occupied her stomach was proof enough of that fact and she knew why he would hate her. She knew that it was because she continuously put the Earth in front of him and Thanagar, and he knew deep down John Stewart and the Justice League as well. A lump swelled in her throat as she felt the searing pain of her heart press against her ribcage but it could not outweigh the growing hatred that she was beginning to harbour for herself.

She had betrayed Hro a long time before he had arrived and as much as she hated herself for hurting him she also did not regret her actions either in her pursues of a relationship with John or in her desire to save the Earth. Maybe in the past when her days were spent on espionage missions on Thanagar and within its system she might have thought it necessary that one planet should die for their survival, having seen the burned cities and cries of her people after another Gordanian raid. Now though after spending five years protecting the Earth as one of its heroes, having spent equal time learning from the people that occupied it and learning from those who had become her friends, she had found that she could no longer live knowing that a planet full of life had been destroyed to save another. It was too high a price to pay, too much blood for a planet to rebuild on even if it did manage to win the war that had ravaged them for generations.

With her heart feeling heavy Shayera was somewhat relieved to see that land was ahead of her and not an insignificant island at that. Rather she could see a thick woodland forest which would undoubtedly provide her with the things she would need to survive out here alone. As she flew further inland she flew over a wide extending lake which shimmered like liquid silver from the moon's reflection, the beauty of it filling her up for the moment before she pressed on in search of shelter. The sun would rise soon and she could not risk being seen out in the day, logic enough suggested that she would meet with hostility from any who saw her, the martial law and iron fist her people had set over the world was enough to guarantee that if nothing else.

After a few more minutes of flying she came across where the woodland parted before a few mountains, they were not the largest she had ever seen either on Earth or Thanagar but they would provide some security as to her whereabouts. Adjusting her wings and pulling them against her body she fell into a dive heading towards the thick forest at an eye watering speed. At the last moment she spread her wings and slowed her decent until she arced enough to alight her feet downward towards the trees as she slowly hovered down between them. When she touched down the first thing she noticed was how lush everything was, from the trees to the shrubs and even the flowers she could see growing in almost every direction, a complete contrast to the practically barren island she had spent the last night and day. Even as she walked she saw at least three edible varieties of berry, she knew this due to her extensive research. When she had first arrived on this planet she had conducted survival based research believing that it was best to be knowledgeable in how to survive on a foreign planet.

For the first time since she had left Wayne Manor she was pleased about something but it was a notion that didn't remain with her for long because she still had to find some shelter. Despite having a distinct lack of appetite however, she plucked a few large berries from a nearby bush and dutifully chewed and swallowed them, throat constricting in protest but she forced them down. She didn't want to eat but she wouldn't be able to maintain long distance flights if she didn't eat a sufficient amount, already it was having an impact on her as she had been forced to glide as much as possible to conserve energy. For the next twenty minutes she walked across the uneven forest floor, clambering over roots and fallen trees as she went in search of shelter and a place that would be safe enough for her to sleep without being disturbed. When she reached the wall of the rocky mountain she felt as though she wouldn't be able to find anywhere and debated whether or not she should try to fashion something from the fallen trees and branches around her, however she decided to scout from the air while she still had some time.

Once she again ascended she noticed something that she hadn't seen from the ground, in the side of the mountain there was a hollowed out crevice perhaps carved out years ago or moulded from the weather, or maybe the rock had simply fallen away over time but she decided that it was worth an investigation. Within moments she landed on the edge of the hollowed out crevice, the mouth was fairly narrow, narrow enough to perhaps allow two people to pass through side by side. Within though the cave was much larger and the size enabled her to spread her wings comfortably without her feeling uncomfortable in the enclosed space. Shayera marvelled at her luck, not only had she found a cave that was practically invisible to anyone below but she was also within a forest that could provide for her, it seemed too good to be true. She skirted the inside of the cave before exiting and descending back into the forest to collect some dry firewood and to gather some more berries, she didn't have the resources just yet to find anything much larger.

That night she huddled by her small fire with her wings wrapped about her, staring into the flames as if transfixed by their shuddering and flickering, automatically tossing additional pieces of fire wood into the centre to feed them and keep them burning for a while longer. The flames reminded her of the torches that often decorated the interior of Thanagarian fleet ships, even the one she had stayed on during the invasion was fully equipped with them. No matter what she tried she couldn't shift her thoughts away from Thanagar, it seemed that she thought more often of it now than she had over the last five years but that was perhaps because she had been the one to doom it. How many Thanagarian lives would be lost because of her? How much blood would she have on her hands? Regardless of her feelings towards Earth, Thanagar was still her home world, she had been born there, had grown up there, it was still an integral part of her even if she had no place there anymore.

The flames continued to dance in the darkness but she still felt cold and pulled her wings closer around her body, and her thoughts finally shifted from Thanagar and to something else, _somebody_ else. He had always been warm even in the coldest nights of winter and she had long ago chalked their difference in body heat to her body's differing methods in maintaining body temperature. She remembered how much she had loved curling up against him from the chill, feeling his warmth seeping deep within her as if filling her up right down to her toes. Shayera closed her eyes and a tear freed itself from her lashes as she tried to push the memory away and the pain that had followed it, she missed him greatly even if it had only been a day since she had left. She missed his smile and his mischievous playfulness, she missed his warmth and compassion, she missed his care and thoughtfulness, she missed everything about him but every time she saw him in the memories that continued to flash across her vision, his eyes were not the same as she remembered.

In every memory his warm, loving chocolate brown eyes were instead dark and pained, there was nothing but the hurt she had seen before she had left him on the cliffs. She would have to continue on knowing that she had been the one to put it there, that she had been the one to break his beautiful caring heart and leave it to tatters. With thoughts of John and a dream of still being by his side lingering in her mind, Shayera curled up wishing that he was right there and that the warmth she could feel from the fire was in reality his. Curled up she wondered what he might be doing or where he might be, she wondered if he like her was thinking of the other, that he might be thinking of her, it was the last thought that filled her mind before she eventually once again fell into her shattered dreams.

_To be Continued_


	2. Chapter 2

Flight of an exile 

Chapter Two

It had been a week since Shayera had arrived in the mountains and although seven days did not seem like a grand length of time, to Shayera it had felt like months had dragged by. Having spent the entire time sleeping during the day and waking in the night to forage and stretch her limbs, Shayera had become nocturnal in nature. The lack of sunlight and daytime in her life could be partially to blame for her ever falling mood, even as it was she was almost reluctant to leave her cave once the night fell, half of her wanting to remain there and never leave. On a few occasions when her mind wandered with nothing to keep its focus, she had debated her life and its direction. She was Thanagarian and aged much slower than the average human, she had many years in front of her and a corner of her heart couldn't bear the idea of growing old for the many years to come and spending the remainder of them alone and exiled. That same corner gave thought and breath to the thoughts she slowly began to harbour, thoughts of ending it all, it wasn't as if she felt that anyone would really notice if she just disappeared and didn't come back, it wasn't as if anyone was looking for her.

Today like most days she had woken earlier than she had intended, early enough that she shielded her eyes with her hand as the ebbing sunlight streamed into her cave and burned the backs of her eyes and bleached her vision. After a few minutes she managed to adjust her eyes to the light and had also managed to gauge the approximate time of day based on the level of the sun in the sky, it was close to setting. She had to her estimation another hour or so until she could leave the sanctuary of her dim cave so she spent the time tidying her pitiful supplies. To one corner was a large pile of dry firewood which she added to every night in order to ensure that she would always have enough to keep her warm once she returned after her nightly quest. To another side of the cave was a pile of edibles, various plants and fruits that from the research she had conducted upon arriving on Earth were determined to be safe for eating. There was a vast quantity there simply for the reason that she gathered some every night but only ate perhaps a handful or so, enough to quell the demands of her stomach but not enough she knew to sustain her. It was the reason why she had gone about hunting wild game, fashioning a primitive sling from various resources around her and thanks to her skills in most any weapon be them ranged or otherwise, Shayera had managed to catch herself a rabbit. Of course she hadn't been able to eat it all even after she cooked it for a considerable length of time on the fire, but she had eaten enough that the constant fatigue and muzzy headedness had somewhat dissipated. Whatever remains she had left she had cast out of her cave, leaving the rest of her meal to that of the wolves that she often heard outside.

As Shayera turned about her cave her eyes fell upon the largest wall that dominated one side, there her eyes focused in on the array of lines that she had etched there into the surface. Picking up one of the flint stones that she used to light her fire, Shayera moved towards the wall before etching another line. In this way she had managed to keep track of the days because it was surprisingly easy to lose track of how many days had drifted by, tonight was her eighth night. This wall however didn't simply house her tally like calendar, it also adorned many other carvings and markings that Shayera had busied herself with on the rare occasions that she had any energy to spare. Upon the wall she had carved her name in both English and Thanagarian and she had roughly drawn her mace, missing the weapon by her side. Oddly enough she had also written out the entire process for mining and refining transuranic iron ore, essentially what would become Nth metal. It was this practice of writing and carving into the wall that had kept her mind focused, had given her something to concentrate on other than her betrayal and loneliness. Despite this her heartache had still shone through, even now as she glanced over the lines she had scratched forming the design of the Green Lantern symbol or of the lines she had etched to show the sky-reaching spires of Thanagar, her heart became heavy and she chanced a look outside in the hopes that the night had finally fallen.

Indeed the night had finally cast its blanket over the landscape and she moved to the mouth of the cave to take a better look as well as to investigate tonight's flying conditions. Thanks to her meagre diet she couldn't fly for very long without becoming exhausted and she had been reduced to gliding as much as she could. Tonight's weather seemed suitable enough but the breeze was picking up considerably and she could see burly storm clouds fast approaching her location. In the face of those clouds she debated upon remaining within the cave for this night but decided that she needed to get out and get some fresh air, being confined to this stony shelter was slowly driving her crazy. Leaning out of the mountain her wings unfurled to their fullest extent before she leapt from the stony fortress and rode the wind down to the forest floor. Shayera had allowed herself to be carried a considerable distance but only so that she would be closer to the shimmering lake that she had seen on her first arrival here. Yesterday she had bathed in the lake to wash the grime from her hair and body, not only that but the lake also provided her with some water even if it wasn't ideal for many reasons. Once she arrived at the shimmering surface of the lake, Shayera stooped down to her knees and prepared to splash her face with the cool liquid, but in the moment that she leant across the water she had seen her reflection staring up at her. For a few passing moments she merely stared at it as if she had never seen her reflection before, it was clear that since her arrival here she had lost weight and the dark shadows beneath her eyes were a clear indication of poor sleep and a troubled mind. The shimmering woman in the water's reflection was a disgrace and Shayera eventually slapped her hand into the water, dissipating the image even as her anger surged and boiled up within. Just as soon as her anger reached its climax however, it was let go, Shayera didn't have the energy or the spirit to maintain it anymore and without her passion to feed it, it faded away leaving her feeling tired and burnt out.

Groggily she washed her face with the cold water feeling it travel down her spine as her wings shivered in response. Overhead she caught sight of the storm clouds that were still travelling rather quickly across the landscape and the slight rise in temperature of the surrounding atmosphere indicated that it would soon rain. With this in mind Shayera got to her feet and made her way through the woodland on foot as she always did, gathering wood on her way even as she snatched at any edible plants she passed, it was imperative that she keep her stores as full as possible. As she trundled along the forest floor she felt something cold hit her arm and as she instinctively glanced at what it was she determined that it was a rain drop, a notion that was quickly proven as the storm clouds literally opened up and the rain came almost as if a solid sheet of water had covered the landscape. Beneath the canopy of the trees she was moderately sheltered but with the force of the rain as it was, much of the water still managed to get through. Shayera debated on whether or not to fly now rather than wait until she reached the base of the mountain, but that was a fair distance away from where she currently was and she didn't want to risk not being able to fly properly when she got there from being too wet. Likewise though she knew that as soon as she took off she would take on water so it was a matter of deducing which course of action would be best, did she wait with the possibility of not being able to fly effectively or did she fly now with the possibility of being able to get back safely before the rain rendered her wings next to useless.

Decision made Shayera dropped tonight's supplies and took off, bending her knees and launching herself up into the air as was common practice for her. She knew her flying abilities well and was confident that she could make it back with little trouble, but it was the moment that she cleared the canopy that she realised she had made a mistake. The rain was coming down much harder than she had realised, she could barely see more than a few metres in front of her and even as she pumped her wings with the energy she didn't have, they took on a considerable amount of water and her feathers were soon soaked right through. It didn't necessarily mean that she couldn't keep flying but the additional weight of her wings altered her sense of balance and she was forced to work harder to maintain her altitude. If she were well fed and rested she undoubtedly would have experienced little trouble but as it were balancing on the edges of starvation and barely being able to catch a full day's sleep, it wasn't long before Shayera was forced to land. When she landed she hit the ground harder than she had expected and she stumbled forward slightly as her weighted wings rocked her centre of gravity, dubiously she continued the distance on foot with the knowledge that if she didn't get back soon and light a fire, get herself warm, she could be in a world of trouble. She was soaked to the skin and already trembling once she reached the base of the mountain, she tried and failed twice to take off and gain enough height to get back to her cave but all she had managed to do was land on a small jutting outcrop almost half the way up, her cave was around thirty feet away from where she stood, back and wings pressed against the cold slick rock face as forked lightning struck the forest and the roar of thunder rumbled loyally behind it.

Tentatively Shayera leaned away from the mountain only to discover that as well as being thirty feet from her cave, she was also perhaps more than that above ground. It was to her reluctance that she admitted that she probably would have been better off staying on the ground. Again, regardless of the rain that was getting into her eyes and plastering her hair to her face, Shayera attempted to gauge the distance and assess her situation. She could try flying again but her breath was still heavy from her earlier exertion, she didn't have the energy to maintain flight against these weather conditions, she'd only put herself in even more danger. It was then that she carefully turned on her stony perch and reached out to the nearest jutting handhold she could see, there was no choice she would have to climb. The lightning continued to flash behind her and as it filled her vision with a bright afterimage, Shayera slipped and almost fell, a small cry escaping her from the shock even as she snatched at another stony knot in front of her. She couldn't fall, couldn't risk falling, she would fall more than forty feet and with her wings sodden and heavy they wouldn't provide her with much stability. She could break them on her landing or even her legs and there was no one out here who could find her and if there were they might even be more inclined to kill her or leave her to the agony of her injuries. With the images of her broken body in her mind, Shayera clung desperately to the rock face, never before had she felt so truly hopeless and unsafe, never before had she felt as though her life could be so easily snuffed out.

Slowly she made progress, gripping the slick walls of the mountain rock she slowly drew closer to her destination, she could make it. She would make it and she would be safe. Finally after slipping once or twice more Shayera fell into her cave a tumbled mess of flesh and wings, soaked through to her bones and shivering from head to foot. Her hands sore and aching from her dangerous climbing clumsily grabbed at the flint stones as she crawled towards where she made her fire. Shaky she made poor work of making her fire, fingers slipping and dropping the stones once or twice before she finally managed to generate a spark and a hopeful flame. Outside the thunder roared again as if furious at her for defying it, but the only response she had for it was to sidle closer to her small fire and try to prevent her teeth from chattering. Exhausted she eventually curled up beside her fire, hugging her body with both arms and wings as she attempted to conserve what little heat she had at the same time as trying to stop her shivering. Lightning continued to strike outside in great forked streaks, likewise the thunder still loyally following in its wake. Her mind not quite her own Shayera focused on the battle between the forked light and roaring sound, to her the conflict was like that of the one she had experienced. It was a physical manifestation of the battle between her duty and her emotions, of Thanagar and Earth, of Lieutenant Hol and Hawkgirl and every time the lightning was Thanagar, blinding and dangerous, and the thunder was the Earth, protesting against its opposition but unable to compete in raw physical strength.

It was a little while later as her mind started to regain some semblance of belonging to her that she remembered that lightning and thunder were actually one and the same, it was only the speed of which they occurred that gave them the appearance of being separate entities. She realized that it suited her identity even more than she had at first anticipated. Lightning and thunder were the same even as how Lieutenant Hol and Hawkgirl had in reality been the same. Hawkgirl could not exist without Lieutenant Hol the same way the thunder could not be without the lightning. Finally with her shivers abated Shayera stared out across the landscape as it was drenched in the still persistently falling rain, she had forgotten about the rain while her foggy attention had been on the storm. She thought of herself as the rain then, that Shayera Hol whoever she was, was the water that fell and was forgotten while the storm of her competing identities rode on ahead. Now a little warmer but still soaked, Shayera reached out and grasped some of the firewood she had stored, tossing it into the flames to feed it as the wind began to howl outside, it would be many hours before the sun would rise and she hoped that the storm would have eased by then, she considered chancing a day's foraging since she had lost the night.

Sitting up she continued to watch the storm, continued to watch as Thanagar and Earth raged, as duty crossed swords with emotion, and she watched in particular as the rain fell and nourished the Earth. She changed her mind then, she decided that John Stewart was like the rain and she like the ground, that John Stewart had been the welcome rainfall that she had craved throughout her life. The Earth needed the rain the same way the thunder needed the lightning and Shayera realized at that moment that like the Earth at that very second, she needed the rain, she needed John, but unlike the Earth there would be no storm to bring her the life force that she needed.

* * *

To her dismay Shayera was still damp the following morning, her clothes still slightly sticky in places where they were yet to dry out completely. Despite this though, she was pleased to discover that the storm had ended sometime during the night after she had fallen asleep and that even though she was still damp her feathers were moderately dry. Rising unsteadily to her feet with a soreness throughout her body thanks to the previous night's exertions, Shayera stretched and clicked various bones before making her way to the opening of her cave. Below, the forest was green and nourished, vibrant and she could smell the fresh earthy scent that now suffused the air. For one brief flickering instant Shayera had felt peaceful and rejuvenated, but it was short lived as it was soon snuffed out by the prospects of venturing out in the day time, that and she could feel the grogginess of a cold lingering in the back of her throat which she hoped wouldn't turn out to be something her immune system couldn't handle.

There was no doubt in her mind that she had to go out in the day, she needed more food for some had turned and would no longer be edible lest she make herself ill, even as she looked to them now she decided that they were unfit for anyone but the merciless metabolism of the Flash. Her thoughts halted in their tracks at the memories of her friend who at times had felt like a younger brother to her and she thought back to the moment that he had embraced her. Shayera realized that his gesture had been one of the hardest to deal with and that since that moment she had wondered how he could offer her such unquestionable support after everything she had done. It would have been easier if he had scorned her or cursed her, but instead he had held her with the promise that he would be there for her if she ever had need of him.

Saddened, Shayera jumped from the cave mouth and floated effortlessly down to the ground, not wasting time once she landed to grab a fist full of the nearest edible plant and chug it down. The exhaustive efforts of the previous night had rendered her energy reserves empty and appetite or not she was famished and needed to eat. If she didn't she would soon be unable to fly at all. Continuing on her path being careful of her footing in places where the ground was sodden and wet, Shayera examined the terrain and the temperature. In her mind she tried to assess her rough location in a planetary sense and after an hour of traipsing, collecting food and even capturing herself another rabbit, Shayera had deduced that the weather conditions would not improve. Winter was on its way here and if she wanted to survive she would have to move on, because she knew that regardless of her skills and of her ability to adapt, the snow took no prisoners and she would be no exception. She planned to remain as long as possible and to stock as much as she could and then she would leave, venturing inland towards the edges of cities where she hoped to find shelter and stability even in the face of the hatred she expected to find there.

_To be Continued _


	3. Chapter 3

Flight of an exile

Chapter Three

Three long months had dragged by before Shayera had finally been forced to leave the sanctuary of her mountain and that of the forest that had surrounded it. The winter had pressed in lowering the temperature to the point that ensured that she burned far more firewood than she was happy with, not only that but her worn and torn clothes provided little to no protection against the cold. Behind her she had left her cave choosing to bring nothing of what she had gathered there with her except for a small package of cooked meat from the previous night before she had set out. The shelter in which she had spent the last four months of her exile was much the same as it had been when she had discovered it except for the wall that adorned the longest edge for the marks she had scratched there had grown in number and so too had the musings she had transferred there. Like the cave Shayera too had changed very little, although over the course of time she had slowly withdrawn further and further into herself and at times she found her exiled existence hard to live with. Now she flew once again with no direction, half a week since she had sought out the edges of towns due to the harsher weather, but it was not her need to find shelter that pushed her onward.

Tears brimmed in her eyes as she pumped her wing muscles, a throbbing pain harboured in her ankle as she tried to steady her flight and her breathing which had become erratic through a combination of pain and despair. She had discovered a town on her quest to find a more suitable location to spend her existence, but what she had found there was quite the opposite of what she had sought. Within the town which had been situated near the outskirts of a more rural environment, Shayera had discovered that her people had left far more damage there than perhaps even the largest of cities. As she had tentatively walked the streets in the night she had seen the martial law posters that had been displayed during the invasion of her people, not only that but she had seen the graffiti that regarded her as a filthy, traitorous hawk. That had not been the worst of it though, no indeed for there had been a figure there hidden by the shadows who had run from her when she had seen them. At first she thought perhaps that she had scared him and carried on with her search for supplies, but it wasn't until he returned and she realised that the dimly glowing lights she could see were in fact torches that she discovered that she hadn't frightened him at all. He had gone to find help.

In their hands they wielded whatever they were able to find, pitchforks, spades, torches, shivs, knives, guns, and amongst them yells of filthy hawk and traitor. The words they had for her were violent and abusive and they cut at her, burning her throat with emotion as she stumbled back not knowing where to turn, not knowing whether to hand herself over or flee, feeling as though she were a wild, dangerous animal backed into a corner. It was not their cries of filthy hawk that had sent her into a swirling vortex of guilt and anguish though, it was the single voice of accusation she had heard over the din of the others.

"_You're the reason my Brother's dead!"_

The voice belonged to someone young and even now as she struggled to maintain her altitude, the voice continued to echo inside of her mind and stab at her heart. How many others had been hurt or killed because of her people? How many others had been hurt or killed because of her and because of her betrayal?

"_You're the reason my Brother's dead!"_

It echoed again and her flight dropped a few feet as her tears finally gave way, the voice of her father still reminding her that 'soldiers don't cry,' but she wasn't a soldier anymore, she was a traitor and a broken woman with nowhere to go and no one to go to. The town had run her out with their makeshift weapons and flames, gunfire ringing in her ears as they aimed and fired without hesitation, bullets hurtling past her wings and body until one had finally glanced her ankle leaving nothing but pain behind. It was bleeding, she could feel the warm liquid seeping into her ripped trousers, the same trousers she had been wearing since she left the manor four months ago and something finally snapped inside of her.

She couldn't take it anymore.

Couldn't live this way anymore.

The thoughts she had harboured deep inside of herself for months now finally boiled up to the surface, bringing with them another round of tears but a newly found determination. No one would notice if she disappeared, no one was looking for her, John was better without her. It wasn't uncommon for Thanagarian soldiers to end their lives after a failed mission, some of them even losing their minds from the loss of their honour before finally ending their existence in a dangerous freefall. Shayera was over sixty feet above the ground, maybe even higher.

"_You're the reason my Brother's dead."_

"_Filthy Hawk!"_

"_There is no 'us' Shayera. Nothing but a fallen traitor and a soldier with a job to do."_

"_I should leave you to burn."_

"_Was it all a lie?"_

Her thoughts continued to spiral until they steadied on his voice, but it gave her nothing but more pain, more heartbreak. Doing nothing but convincing her further in her erratic and desperate mind that she couldn't stay, couldn't bear it another minute.

_Well I know the feeling, of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge._

_And there ain't no healing, from cutting yourself on the jagged edge._

_I'm telling you that, it's never that bad. Take it from someone who's been where you're at._

_Laid out on the floor, and you're not sure you can take this anymore._

Shayera's wings snapped shut.

Immediately her level flight ceased and she tipped forward slightly before falling into a nose dive, face forward as the gaining wind speed pushed back her tears from her sorrow filled eyes. She had always felt exhilarated when she dived but not this time, all she felt was a distinct sense of finality as her world seemed to slow. Everything hurt so much and everything was so heavy, weighing her down sometimes to the point where she wanted someone to come and put her out of her misery, to end it all the way she felt she deserved. She had lost everything, her home, her people, her family, love, identity, honour, she was nothing now and she had nothing. The people she had once sought to save either hated her with passion or feared her, running from her as if she were the likes of Sinestro or Shade. She was just another villain, another bad guy.

_So just give it one more try to a lullaby, and turn this up on the radio._

_If you can hear me now, I'm reaching out, to let you know that you're not alone._

_And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell, 'cause I can't get you on the telephone._

_So just close your eyes, oh honey here comes a lullaby...your very own lullaby._

She had closed her eyes some time long time ago, all she could hear and feel was the rushing wind as the ground would undoubtedly come up to meet her. From a fall at this height she knew that she wouldn't survive. In the first few weeks she had been afraid of dying but something had been keeping her hanging on... it was all gone now. There was nothing, just the pain and guilt she couldn't live with anymore. There was however a tiny voice in the back of her mind, something niggling at her, something trying to reason with her but she was done with thinking, done with everything that brought her nothing but more hatred for herself.

She squashed her inner voice away as some stray memories managed to punch through. She remembered Grundy's death and how happy he had been in the belief that he would find his soul even as his life was extinguished. Shayera thought about her soul but she didn't believe in an afterlife or of souls, or fate or any of those things, she didn't have faith, had never had faith not even in herself.

_Please let me take you, out of the darkness and into the light._

'_Cause I have faith in you, that you're gonna make it through another night._

_Stop thinking about the easy way out, there's no need to go and blow the candle out._

_Because you're not done, you're far too young, and the best is yet to come._

Just as her memory of Grundy had flashed in front of her vision, so too did other memories. Flickers of her childhood, of her parents and of Hro, flashes of Earth and the friends she had made despite her attempts to keep them at arm's length. Even now as she plummeted towards the Earth picking up speed as she went, Shayera couldn't help but let those little memories in, to let them fill her up with Flash's sense of humour and loyal support, J'onn's quiet reservation but comforting ear, Superman's boyish smile and determination to protect everyone within his power, Diana's lofty yet naive attitude, Batman's broody yet quietly supportive aura...and John.

John...

"_John, there's something I want to tell you."_

"_Is it how handsome I am?"_

_She laughed despite herself "No...it's just..."_

"_Then is it how much you love me?"_

"_Yes, but..." She caught herself realising what she had just confessed to "John, I..."_

"_Then I love you too." _

Fresh tears bloomed and fluttered from her eyes as she remembered the night she had planned to tell him but had failed to, all because she couldn't bear to take away the tenderness of the moment, all because she was too afraid. The tiny voice in the back of her mind finally forced her to listen, forced her to watch memory after memory with John Stewart, forced her to remember when he had told her of the future they would have and of the family they would have, dreams of a life together that she had shared even with the knowledge that it could end at any moment. The voice finally forced her to feel the surge of panic that had suddenly risen in her chest at the thought of never living that life with him.

_So just give it one more try to a lullaby, and turn this up on the radio._

_If you can hear me now, I'm reaching out, to let you know that you're not alone._

_And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell, 'cause I can't get you on the telephone._

_So just close your eyes, oh honey here comes a lullaby...your very own lullaby._

Shayera's eyes shot open, panic searing her limbs and pulsing through her veins, there was nothing else in her mind except for the simple phrase:

"_I'm not ready."_

In blinding panic she saw the Earth below her, realised that it had become far closer than she had thought. She considered her earlier thought of knowing that from the height she had begun that she wouldn't survive and her adrenaline drenched body tried to do something, _anything_ to stop her from ending her life too soon.

"_I'm not ready."_

Instinctively she opened her wings but the sheer velocity of the wind around her immediately thrust them backward, almost wrenching them from their sockets. The force knocked the wind out of her and sent her careening upward, spiralling as she went until she twisted into an awkward rolling tumble, wings tangled and limbs flailing against the air as she helplessly fell towards her impending doom. Through her fear and panic she had screamed, screamed the name of the one person she thought could save her, had saved her.

"John!" her scream was raw, ripping the flesh along her throat through the hoarseness of her unused voice.

In her tumble she could hardly breathe, the air moving too fast for her to do anything except take in choppy gasps that promised her little oxygen. She couldn't think. All she could contemplate was the spinning ground she saw every time she completed a turn in the air and in her fear soaked mind she knew she had to stop or at least slow her fall. She at least had to try.

_So just give it one more try..._

With a sudden burst of determination she pulled her wings towards her body, forcing them against the gale of the wind and feeling every muscle pull and groan under the pressure. Her spinning steadied as she had expected for only a fraction of second, a tiny opportunity to right her fall or fall to her doom. She snapped her wings open as she began to turn again and the force of the combating air righted her but shocked her system regardless. The Earth was much closer and she had only seconds to slow her decent so she did it the only way she could and beat her wings downward, pushing against the wind. If she had been in any other situation she would have gained lift but as it were it slowed her just enough that when she crashed into the ground, she crashed in one piece.

She landed in a heap that continued along the grass as her momentum carried her, tiny rocks and grains grazing and scratching at her palms and knees even as her ankle roared in furious pain. Shayera lay there completely emotionally broken as she cried without reservation or restraint into the soil beneath her, tearing at the blades of grass with her hands.

_Well everybody's hit the bottom, everybody's been forgotten,_

_When everybody's tired of being alone._

_Yeah everybody's been abandoned, and left a little bit empty handed._

_So if you're out there barely hanging on..._

Her entire body ached and hurt, her wings feeling heavy and exhausted while her ankle seemed to seep with a pain all of its own. She knew she should check her wound, make sure it wasn't as bad as it felt but she was just so tired, in body and mind. She didn't want to be alone anymore, she didn't want to keep feeling so guilty and so filthy. She wanted to be with people and she wanted to feel as though she was something more than this shameful mess of a person that had nothing but the tattered clothes on her back and the fragmented heart in her chest.

There was one thing though that had continued to torment her and it was that no one, _no one_, had come looking for her. No one had tried to stop her. Most of all, what hurt was that John hadn't tried to stop her, he had just stood there in his silence and let her go and as much as she hated him for doing it, she hated herself even more for breaking his heart.

It was then that she resolved herself to stay together, to find her way back so that she could tell him how sorry she was, to explain, to confess. She had spent hours in her cave thinking of things to say, contemplating how to apologise, how to tell him that he meant more to her than her own life did.

_Just give it one more try to a lullaby, and turn this up on the radio._

_If you can hear me now, I'm reaching out, to let you know that you're not alone._

_And if you can't tell, I'm scared as hell, 'cause I can't reach you on the telephone._

_So just close your eyes, oh honey here comes a lullaby, your very own lullaby._

Shayera still didn't move as her tears began to slow and her breathing began to even, she didn't move even as her mind kept telling her to check her ankle and the wound that would be found there. All she could think about was John Stewart and how he had saved her life in Vegas, how he had unknowingly saved her life now and how she vowed to herself that someday she would tell him everything, would explain and apologise and tell him how much she loved him.

And beneath it all, all she could hear was his deep soothing voice as he told her of the life they would have together and of the family they would raise together.

_Oh honey here comes a lullaby._

_Your very own lullaby._

__**An/ The song used throughout is Lullaby by Nickelback. Originally I had only wanted to use a small portion but it seemed to fit so well I couldn't help but literally restructure the chapter around it. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)**


	4. Chapter 4

Flight of an Exile

Chapter Four

Two days ago Shayera Hol had hit rock bottom, falling so far from grace that she had even been willing to take her own life. Never in all her years as a soldier, as an agent of espionage or as a person had she felt so compelled to end her existence, true she had been weighed down by many burdens in her life but something had always kept her mind on the task before her. Now, with her sense of duty dissolved, her honour cast aside and her name and very soul tarnished by all she had done and all she had come to be, Shayera was barely keeping herself together. It wasn't simply her double cross that burned her and continued to rip her heart open every time she let her guard down, it was everything in her life, every tiny mistake, every wrong word or action. She was reminded of them all from her first botched mission as a Thanagarian officer that had led to the death of one of her only close friends, to the very moment she stood before Hro and was forced to decide what side her heart truly lay on. That was the trouble with her life on Earth, humans were always so concerned with their hearts often times advising to 'follow your heart' in the face of a hard decision. On Thanagar such sentiment was rarely given chance to bloom, the war often pressing for instant logical decisions, the mind working constantly to keep them from losing any more ground to the Gordanians. It seemed that Shayera couldn't escape the contrasts of Thanagar and Earth, even now, wounded, broken and hopeless her mind continued to resonate between the two cultures. Perhaps it was because she wasn't sure where she belonged, was she Thanagarian or Human? She seemed a part of each which only pushed her closer to the description of an outcast, she didn't fit in anywhere.

Her attempted suicide had been the final straw, the final extreme, either she would die or she would find a new reason to live and even though she still breathed at this moment, she still didn't feel as if she were living. Being pushed to one's edge was a frightening experience and Shayera had learned that strong as she was as a warrior and as a soldier...as a woman she was weak and vulnerable. Her heart had become too used to being given freedom and subsequently it had begun to rule her until all she could feel was what her heart wanted her to feel, forcing her to ignore the rationale and logic of her mind and preventing her from allowing the mask to come down and block all of her emotions out. Shayera however was growing tired, she couldn't keep feeling her heart's pain anymore and already she had slowly begun to withdraw even deeper, eventually there would be nothing on the outside except for her blank expression while inside there would be only darkness and sorrow. She knew that it would be the only way she could continue to survive. Of course she was alive now because something had glowed within her, something had convinced her of a reason to remain living but even that notion was a dim light in comparison to her overruling darkness.

The hopeful flicker of light belonged to John Stewart, he and he alone was able to bring forward her hopes and dreams, notions she had given up on while she fought an endless war on Thanagar, but even her love for him which refused to let her go was unable to promise her the hopes and dreams she had come to share with him. She could not and would not expect his forgiveness or his open arms if she ever saw him again. She didn't expect the other's forgiveness either as much as she missed each of them in her own way even as far as Diana whom she hadn't often seen eye to eye with. Her hopeful flicker remained what it was, a flicker, a tiny stuttering light that kept her going even if it couldn't promise her that things would get better. As Shayera flew she came to realise that her life on Thanagar was over, yes she still thought of it, belonged there in some sense, but her life there was gone and she was destined to remain on the Earth with the family that had likely disinherited her. On Thanagar she had had parents of course and she had cared for them as they had her but their relationship was not like the parent-child bonds she often saw on Earth. She hadn't had any siblings or aunts, uncles or cousins either, just her and the parents she was rarely able to see. In contrast the League had become her family. They had become something she expected to feel of siblings, of brothers and a sister, of bonds she had never felt in her life. In the military she had gained a sense of comradeship with her fellow soldiers but it seemed small in comparison to the relationships she had slowly if reluctantly forged with the six other members of her team. They had accepted her regardless of what she was or who she was, regardless of being an alien from a brutal world with a built in lack of rationale when it came down to combat. She wondered for a moment how differently they might have perceived her if they had known her irrationality to be directly linked with the troubled mind she nursed every evening, that it boiled down to the frustration and confusion that buried itself in her stomach as she conflicted between her two sides.

Their acceptance didn't matter anymore though, she had pushed them past that level of understanding she was sure, and as she flew she swallowed what she hoped would be the last lump of sorrow she would allow herself to feel. It was time for her to survive, to push past all that sought to pull her down, it was what she would have to do if she was to accomplish her new desire, a desire to fix her mistakes, to somehow find atonement and repair the damage she had done.

"_You're the reason my Brother's dead."_

Of course not all of the damage could be repaired.

Blinking away the final drops in her eyes Shayera rallied her remaining strength and focus, concentrating upon the challenges that lie ahead of her as she flew towards a location that she had wanted to revisit for some time. Adjusting her flight path Shayera swerved towards the clearing she could already see, her wings adjusting sorely where the muscles still pulled and whined under the tension of their work. Since her almost fatal freefall her relationship with flying had changed if only slightly and although still confident in her ability, she once again respected the potential danger that was always with her when she took to the skies. As the clearing drew closer Shayera continued to adjust her height and speed, her heart sinking as she did so as the familiar feature of this particular clearing began to reveal itself to her vision. Finally prepared for landing Shayera attempted to align herself with the ground aiming to land with most of her weight on her good foot, this plan however backfired as she landed too hard, the heaviness in her wings finally forcing them to release the air currents too soon. Stumbling on her good foot and losing her balance Shayera's wounded ankle gave out from beneath her, unable to support her weight. Letting out a sharp uncharacteristic cry she landed heavily, sprawled across the firm grassy floor as her ankle once again surged in pain. Taking forceful breaths she slowly gathered herself and brought her palms beneath her enabling her to turn herself over onto her rear to keep the weight and pressure off of her injury. For the moment she took the time to look at it, examining the makeshift bandage she had torn from her already ruined shirt and noticing that despite her efforts it had started to bleed once again. Even with her admirable immune system and healing capability, if it wasn't appropriately treated soon she was in for a world of trouble and pain, but she couldn't go to a hospital and there was no one else she could go to. Of course once or twice over the two days since receiving the injury, Shayera had considered flying to Detroit and seeking help from John but she forcibly refrained. She wanted to see him on her own terms in her own time, not crawling to him for help, not to receive his pity, she may be at an all time low but pity was something she could never stand no matter how dire her situation was. Maybe it was a symbol of whatever tiny scrap of pride she had left or maybe it was her own deep rooted stubbornness, either way she didn't care because she wasn't going to him, not yet.

Satisfied that her ankle although bleeding wasn't at least hanging off, the dishevelled Thanagarian began to study her surroundings, eyes scrutinising many of the details around her despite the night sky providing little illumination. Her location was far from any city which she was thankful of, her last encounter with one still raw in her memory. There was no reason for her to fear being seen or heard or found while she remained where she was and she even numbly considered spending the night here. Eventually she cast her eye towards the reason she had come, a cool white marble tombstone sitting just a little to one side of her, the base adorned with freshly blooming daisies regardless of the cold temperatures that surrounded her.

'_Solomon Grundy. Born on a Monday.'_

As she stared at it transfixed, Shayera took the time to remember when she, Superman, Diana, Dr Fate and Solomon Grundy had ventured into the dimension of Ichthultu. In the process of doing so she began to remember the growing conflict she had felt during that adventure, the frightening dawn of realisation that Dr Fate had knowledge of Thanagarian runes even if he had had no idea of their origin. Still staring at the writing on the stone Shayera continued to remember her short and fleeting friendship with Grundy, a bizarre relationship that had been spurned by the simple concept of help me and I'll help you. It had been a familiar concept to her for Thanagar worked in a similar manner, kill or be killed, strike first not second, guard my back and I'll guard yours. Even if he had in nature been simple, those concepts were hard wired into her and meant more to her than the knowledge that he was a bad guy who had belted her once or twice with those huge fists of his. During their quest however she had also felt a deep sense of responsibility, Ichthultu had been Thanagar's God until he had been run out by a planet-wide rebellion and then he had been threatening the Earth. Shayera had felt that it were her responsibility, feeling as though it could be one of the good things that Thanagar could do for the Earth other than protect it from Gordanians, it had made her feel less of a liar, less of a double agent. It was like something was trying to tell her that it was okay, she could make a difference, she could do good, she wasn't just lying and learning all she could about her new friends. By the end though those notions had left her, it was no longer about Ichthultu but about the faith she had never had, of the guidance she had never found from a higher order, of the burdens that she had been forced to carry on her own shoulders without any hope of reprieve or comfort from something bigger than her.

Now as she sat there staring at the stone before her feeling as though there was nothing else left of her for anyone or anything else to take, Shayera wished that she did have this elusive thing called faith. She wished that she could stop feeling so alone and full of darkness, she hoped for guidance and a love that would love her no matter her mistakes, of something that would guide her on the path to redemption for she sorely wished to seek it. As hard as she tried though, faith still eluded her for she didn't understand it having spent the whole of her existence relying upon herself and the knowledge that the God of Ichthultu that had once protected her world and given it gifts, had been nothing but a monster.

It was a long time before Shayera began to leave her memories and finally refocus her attention upon the white marble stone before her, of the friend she had made and of the soul he had wished to find. She wondered if he had found his soul, if it had been waiting for him like she had promised and she couldn't help but wonder if he had just been the first of her many betrayals. It suddenly struck her that she wondered what he might think of her, that it mattered what he might think of her because he had been a hulking dead man who put little stake in such complex thoughts, because to her it was complex. It hadn't been noticeable at first but she had begun to identify herself by her betrayals and by the invasion, still she hadn't found the Shayera Hol she had begun to search for choosing instead to continue to bury her under other identifications. Shayera Hol simply saw herself as a traitor, barefaced with no helmet, something that only the most unworthy lived without because a barefaced Thanagarian was the greatest dishonour and exile that ever could be.

Feeling cold and chilled down to her hollow bones, Shayera brushed some invisible dirt from the white marble, her thoughts continuing to cascade and tumble over one another as she continued to struggle to fit the pieces together. Inside she felt like two different people both of which were identified by very different things. One was the soldier trying to force her to work in autopilot, to swallow down the pesky emotions that would get in the way of her survival, the other was the woman inside of her, the woman that had begun to identify herself with her heart and of the warmth and happiness she had never felt on her warlike home world, a part of her that craved that same warmth and happiness even now despite it likely being lost forever and her undeserving.

At last she opened her mouth to speak, her voice still rough and dry from lack of exercise.

"What would you think of me Grundy?"

The question finally escaped her now that she had realised why she wanted to ask him so. Grundy had been simple and he would answer with what he saw. He would see her in her simplest sense and not for the complexity she continued to put in the way of her progress.

"I think he would think of you as his friend."

At the sudden unexpected voice, Shayera flinched, wings bristling with surprise as she remained on the floor her ankle disallowing any notion of rising to her feet in alarm. Peering around she re-examined her surroundings wondering where the familiar voice had been birthed from and it was then that the shadows seemed to part. Before her was a man garbed in blue and gold with the recognisable Helmet of Naboo upon his head concealing his face. Dr Fate remained standing there and at a distance away from her making her curious as to whether the distance was out of respect for her space or out of trepidation from him, but it wasn't as if she would hurt him she thought sourly. Regardless she continued to fix her green eyes upon the white indications of eyes in his helmet, the helmet itself preventing her from gleaning anything of his expression, nothing of hatred, of friendship, of understanding or anger. For the first time since she had left the Mansion, since existing on the edges of starvation and that of life and death, Shayera finally managed to reel her emotions in and hide them behind the skills she had been honing since she was very young.

"What do you want?" She asked, the scowl in her voice as much as it was in her eyes.

He seemed to scrutinise her for a long while saying nothing and making no move to speak of except to watch her with interest. Shayera although displaying annoyance on the outside was shrinking from his gaze within, she didn't want him to look upon her and judge her.

"Are you lost?" He finally asked her.

Shayera's eyebrows knotted "Does it look like I'm lost?"

"That depends upon your perspective."

The defensive wall of annoyance that she desperately held before her began to wobble as if something was hitting it with a force that outweighed her strength, but then she had very little strength left.

"Just...leave me alone." She mumbled at last feeling deflated and defeated, of course she was lost, she didn't know where she was going or where she wanted to go.

"Hawkgirl...I can help you." His voice seemed to carry a strange sense of empathy, strange because it was something she hadn't heard for a long time.

Slowly she turned back to Grundy's stone "My name is Shayera..." Her voice still croaked sorely and she was anxious about conversing since she hadn't spoken to another person for over five months, but it was imperative that he know her name, there was no Hawkgirl anymore and she refused to be identified by her. "...and why would you want to help me?"

Dr Fate moved closer to her, walking towards her under his own will rather than hovering through the use of his extensive magical capabilities. To her surprise he kneeled beside her and gestured to the blooming daisies.

"Beautiful aren't they?"

Bewildered by his change of topic Shayera only managed to nod dumbfounded as she looked in the direction he had indicated.

He continued "They bloom even in the winter months when the seasons are cold and cruel, even when it extinguishes the life from the other plants and flowers."

Shayera remembered when they had made Grundy's grave and tombstone, Dr Fate had generated those daisies with his magic and that was why they were everlasting.

"You made them with magic." Shayera pointed out dryly as she tried to shift her weight, she wanted to stand and leave this place, get away from this person that was still connected to the life she had once had.

"Perhaps," Fate said in his rich tone "But they bloom due to my guidance, not due to my power. Perhaps...Shayera, with my guidance I can help you to bloom once again."

"I'm not a flower."

"You are what you make yourself Shayera. As long as you continue to regard yourself in the manner that you do, you will never be anything more and you will never be seen as anything more."

Growing tired and beginning to feel the last of her defensive walls fall, Shayera took in a deep hopeless breath.

"What do you want?"

"I wish only to help you."

"Why?" Her voice seemed to rise in accusation, forming a demand before she could halt it in its tracks. Dr Fate however was unfazed.

"Everyone regardless of their lives or of their mistakes deserves to be helped. You could say that it is my purpose to help those that need it most and those that need it most are people like you Shayera. People who are lost and have lost all sense of purpose and meaning in their lives." He seemed to look upon her and she felt as if he were truly watching her with a caring gaze "Please, allow me to help you."

Shayera stared at him, the sorrow in her eyes resonating for all to see and she would never know that the sight of them had struck Dr Fate deep in his heart for it was a heartbreaking sorrow that only those who had lost everything held within themselves.

"I...don't want any help." Shayera said forcefully, finally attempting to drag herself up from the grassy floor even if her ankle angrily protested.

Dr Fate watched her limp away knowing that she wouldn't go far because he knew that she wanted the help, it was just her pride that held her away from accepting it.

"Shayera, there is nothing shameful in accepting the help of a friend when you are in need. It may even be one of life's greatest challenges."

"Don't try to turn it around. I don't want your pity and I don't want your help."

It was at that moment that her severely wounded ankle completely gave out and she fell to the ground in a heap of wings and pain, she only managed to string out one Thanagarian expletive before a strong hand wrapped around her upper arm and pulled her up and back onto her feet.

"Regardless of your feelings on the matter, you are wounded, cold and hungry. You _need_ someone to help you."

"I don't want any help." She repeated although her voice was weaker now and even as she pushed against his chest, she didn't have the strength to force him away "I...I don't..."

"Inza has already prepared a room for you." He didn't let her go as she seemed to grow weaker in his arms. The Hawkgirl he had known before wouldn't have allowed such a close proximity, likely would have hit the person who dared touch her with her ever present mace but the fire and passion of her spirit was long gone. "You will be given medical attention, a warm meal and a space to call your own."

"I...don't want...to intrude."

Dr Fate smiled beneath his helmet "I can assure you that you will not be intruding."

For a moment she remained there, trembling slightly as the weight upon her shoulders finally began to ease if only slightly in the knowledge that she would no longer be alone.

"So is that a yes?" Fate asked, voice still full of the empathy that at first had seemed alien to the defeated woman that held onto him for support. She didn't answer him audibly but she nodded her head and shuffled her good foot slightly to improve her balance. "Inza is already waiting with medical equipment for your injuries."

Her voice was quiet and hoarse "Th-thank-you."

"It is my pleasure, Shayera. Help should never be elusive to anyone."

A question suddenly burned at her so before Dr Fate opened a transportation portal, she asked it.

"What were you doing here anyway?"

"I often visit Grundy in my spare time..." He inclined his head to the marble tombstone "Call it Fate if you will that we happened to meet on this night." His preparations for her had been made as he watched on during her stumbled landing and her thoughtful reflection, communicating to Inza as he often did while he was away from his mystical tower.

"Come Shayera, let us be gone from this place. You may rest easy for you will be safe in the protection of my home."

And within a glow of yellow ominous light, the two of them disappeared, one supporting the other and vowing to do so until they could once again proudly stand on their own.


	5. Chapter 5

Flight of an Exile

Chapter Five

The transportation had been instantaneous, in a heartbeat she had been moved from the cold surroundings of a pressing winter into the almost claustrophobic warmth of a home. The change startled her already exhausted body, the heat feeling close to unbearable as it seared over her body and burned every inch of her with warmth, in contrast though she began to tremble uncontrollably. There was movement around her, someone bustling toward her location and she felt a second pair of arms grab onto her and hold her steady while the ominous voice of Dr Fate echoed beside her.

"Her condition is worse than I imagined." He spoke obviously to someone else but then Shayera's ears had switched off some time ago. Only the throbbing pain in her ankle was close to keeping her alert and aware.

"Guide her this way Kent, I have everything prepared." A woman's voice, Shayera's foggy mind supposed that it might be Inza.

An instant later and Shayera felt the hardness of a chair beneath her rear, it felt bizarre to her, she hadn't sat in a chair for close to six months. She was being manhandled, her leg without her permission being manoeuvred but once again her mind was foggy and misty and she hadn't the strength to resist. That had passed away from her a long time ago.

"Kent, I'll need more linen bandages."

Shayera tried to concentrate on the voice and her disillusioned mind began to make sense of the situation, enough that she pulled away from the working hands not wanting their help. A tiny glimpse of the spirit that had ebbed away from her but it wasn't enough to kick start her system.

"Please, remain still Hawkgirl."

"...Shayera." The former Hawkgirl mumbled "My name is Shayera."

Inza nodded approvingly "That is a nice name." She spoke calmly as if getting the injured woman to speak to her was of key importance. "This may sting a little, Shayera."

As if on cue Shayera hissed between her teeth, sudden clarity being brought forward as the intense pain burned the weariness from her mind. From then on Shayera was alert, watching every move the dark haired woman made before her as she disinfected her wound and wrapped it in soft linen bandages. In her mind she wondered why she had succumbed to the weariness of her body and of her mind, of all of the burdens that were on her soul. As a soldier such weakness was not tolerated, there was no room for pain and for emotion while she had a mission to accomplish and for some reason Shayera tried to hold onto those notions, a feeble effort. The offer of help and her acceptance of it had unleashed her grief, everything she had left being torn down until all that remained was the mess that she was trying to keep contained.

"I'm sorry." Shayera said as Inza rinsed her hands in a bowl of fresh water, another beside her discoloured with the pigment of Shayera's blood. There were wads of gauze and cotton as well but Shayera had stopped paying attention to them.

"You have no reason to be sorry Shayera." Inza looked upon her warmly and smiled gently "Please, rest here and I will fetch you some supper."

Shayera wanted to argue, a corner of her mind insisting that she had to leave, that she couldn't stay here, couldn't accept the help they were willing to offer her, but just as she opened her mouth and Inza cleared the surfaces, Dr Fate rested a comforting hand upon her shoulder.

"It is alright Shayera. Rest."

* * *

Inza was true to her word and had brought Shayera a hot and generous meal which Shayera willingly accepted. She hadn't eaten proper food in a long time, nothing as fulfilling and nourishing as what she was offered here. Despite this though she had been unable to finish her meal, her stomach having reduced in size since she had begun her meagre diet of berries and any other items she could forage by hand, her hosts had told her not to worry. Shayera regardless continued to apologise profusely even as her more than generous hosts led her to where she would sleep, Inza providing support as Shayera limped beside her, Dr Fate having been called away.

"Here is your room Shayera, I hope that it will meet your requirements." Inza smiled again as Shayera stammered. The open door revealed a large and richly decorated room, a four poster bed dominating its furniture while everything else provided a comforting and cosy atmosphere.

"I...I don't know...what to say." Shayera said quietly, angling her face to see into Inza's "I can't accept this generosity." She was a traitor, a betrayer of worlds. She didn't deserve anything they had to offer her including their limitless generosity.

"You can Shayera." Inza encouraged the estranged Thanagarian forward "I will be within the tower should you have need of me."

"I...Thank-you."

Inza inclined her head and then disappeared amongst an ankh just like her husband did on numerous occasions.

Slowly and with trepidation, Shayera closed the door to what was now her room and for a long while she simply stared at it, eyes raking over every surface, over every detail. It seemed so strange, so surreal. She had spent months sleeping in a cave and now here she was in a room a comforting room with a bed rather than a cold stone floor. Oddly she thought back to her cave and almost grieved for it. For the temporary time that she had stayed there is had become her home, her sanctuary no matter how dreary and cold it had been. Shayera was almost anxious to touch anything in this room, worried as she was that she might damage something and she felt out of place, like she shouldn't be there. She belonged in her cave in the darkness, not in the warmth of another person's home.

Slowly she swallowed and took a step forward, her ankle was still sore but Inza had cast protections around it to aid its healing and to lessen the pain. Shayera knew that her fast healing would kick in soon but for now she was thankful solely in the knowledge that it no longer caused her grave pain. Unsure steps led her deeper and deeper into her new room, her feet almost automatically leading her towards the conjoined bathroom where she found a large shower, large enough that she and her wings would easily fit. The notion made it seem as if the room had been made especially for her, it wasn't easy finding showers of such large size and Shayera was even more thankful for the array of soaps, shampoo and cleansing products prepared on the side as if calling for her to cleanse the grime and dirt of the wild from her skin.

Over an hour later since discovering her bathroom, Shayera stepped out, cleansed from head to foot even if her soul remained as dirty as it had when she had begun. She was dressed in some of the clothing that had been left for her, another all too generous gesture that Shayera didn't know how she was going to repay. However, for the first time in months she felt warm, clean and well fed, her body no longer screaming under the pressures of exhaustion and near starvation. All that remained was for her to sleep, a challenge of its own for she hadn't slept soundly since leaving the League all those months ago, her dreams were still fragmented and often took lives of their own as they retraced her memories and regrets. Regardless though she approached the four poster bed with every intention of getting the sleep she needed. Dr Fate had spoken to her briefly as Inza tended to her wounds, and his words echoed in her mind as she crawled heavily onto the bed, his words of support and his offer of aiding her with her burdens. She wondered as she sunk under the blankets what he could possibly do to help her in this regard, wondered as she sank into the pillows how her burdens could be lifted and whether they actually deserved to be lifted. Her conclusion was always the same and always resounded an even, no.

For a while she remained there lying on her side watching the colours from her light fade and twinkle, it seemed like it resonated with the magics of this place, a gentle hum surrounding her as the energies fluctuated within the very foundations of the building. She fidgeted endlessly though unable to find comfort in the soft warmth of the bed, of the melting comfort of the blankets and pillows and she fidgeted and fidgeted until she at last tossed the pillows and covers to the floor. Shortly afterward she descended as well, arranging the items on the ground until she was satisfied and curled up amongst them. Lastly she pulled the thick quilt down on top of her and wrapped it around until she was completely buried, nothing but her wings visible, a notion that made her seem as if a giant bird curled up in a large nest.

The floor was hard but it was comfortable, she had spent months sleeping on a hard stone floor and now presented with the soft comfort of a bed couldn't find it to be suitable. She guessed it might take her weeks to get used to sleeping in a bed again but for now she was content with the floor, content enough that the warmth of the room and that of her hosts, of their generosity and genuine care, that Shayera at last began to find the edges of sleep. Flickers of her life traced her consciousness as they always did, but the pale green glow of the side lamp kept them from tumbling into something darker. At last Shayera Hol found something close to blissful sleep.

* * *

It was almost a week later before Shayera finally accepted Dr Fate's offer of assistance, it happened unexpectedly as Shayera aided Inza in the vast kitchen. Shayera had grown determined to pay back her hosts for their offer of shelter and so she helped out wherever possible even in the ways of cooking, something she wasn't completely adept at. Inza though was patient and talked Shayera through many of the steps of cooking, never pressurising Shayera to talk of anything more unless she wished to which was never the case. Shayera was constantly quiet, buried in a reservation that her hosts found to be an odd characteristic in the woman they had met some years ago when Ichthultu had threatened to extend his reach to Earth.

Dr Fate had returned briefly from a previous duty and had bid them a greeting but as often was the case he was required elsewhere as the Lord of Order, his duties never quite finding an end no matter how much he worked. In passing he had asked if Shayera would like to join him on his trip, a simple one that required him only to observe the magical properties of another world, a place where something seemed to be out of place. She had agreed and perhaps it was the mess of her attempt at baking or the encouraging glance from Inza that gave her the final nudge. Regardless Fate had been pleased.

His duty done shortly after their arrival to the dimension in question, they now sat together on a pristine hilltop in a world where the sky was a pale purple and the water a shimmering silver.

Shayera sat cross legged on the ground, her wings tense as her hands gripped her knees, her eyes staring at the visage of Dr Fate even if she could see no eyes or emotion. She felt as though they had been there for hours but it had in fact merely been only minutes.

"You must relax." Dr Fate coaxed gently, as gently as his power booming voice would allow. He hovered nearby, he too in a cross-legged position as he joined her in meditation.

"I don't see how this is going to help." Shayera muttered under her breath but Fate inclined his head and she reluctantly relaxed, her wings ever so slightly dropping in height on her back as she shut her eyes.

Fate encouraged her on "Concentrate only on the air that moves into and out of your lungs. Focus on the sound of it as it fills you before leaving you."

She did so, concentrating on nothing else but even as she did the darkness became deeper, the blackness of her inner consciousness beginning to pull her under until Fate's voice pulled her back out.

"Think of the things that burden you. Concentrate on them one at a time, see them not as yourself but as an outsider, so that you may hope to find clarity."

Her closed eyes squeezed tighter as she concentrated, a frown beginning to knot between her eyebrows as she looked to what weighed down upon her and tried to see it is as someone else. She thought of what her people had done after declaring martial law, she thought of the people that fought back and defended themselves. It was then that her world began to spiral, the voices and images escalating until they focused on a single point.

"_You're the reason my brother's dead!"_

Her breath caught and her concentration upon it broke, her eyes fluttering open and even though she wanted nothing more than to curl up somewhere and hide away, she pulled up a feeble facade that Fate saw through easily.

"This is stupid." She stated indignant and rose to her feet, her wings tightly folded against her back and the only thing that revealed just how upset she really was.

Fate seemed to understand, nodding his head slowly as he watched her approach the crest of the hill as she sought the view of this strange world. He approached her slowly being sure not to broach her personal space and he looked out with her. Often times he wasn't able to simply admire the worlds he visited but he felt now was as good a time as any.

"It is a beautiful world is it not?"

"It's different." She responded.

"Indeed it is different, but sometimes that is what the world needs a little more of."

She looked to him slowly and frowned a little before her expression eased and became something of anxiety. "Why are you helping me?"

"I recall that I already explained." He replied patiently.

Shayera nodded a little "You did..."

For a while they both remained there in silence, Dr Fate in no rush to pressure her into speaking, he had deduced that either the meditation would help her or that she might speak openly, at least it was his hope. She truly was a broken woman and he was unsure as to how he could help her, all he could do was try to aid her as best to his ability and perhaps she would find her own way, he knew that it would be the only way she would accept.

"Shayera, I would like to tell you something."

She cocked her head to the side but remained quiet. Conversing with those around her was still a challenge and still often made her feel uncomfortable. If she wasn't helping Inza she was cooped up in her room, avoiding the company of others even if it was so freely offered. It was just easier to be alone yet it was harder at the same time, but it was something she didn't know how to break just yet, nor did she know if she wanted to.

"Are you aware of what happened to your mace?"

Shayera's green eyes widened for a moment before she grew sombre "No, I assumed the League kept it." She sounded almost bitter.

He nodded in confirmation "For a time." He looked to her "Some months ago I requested it solely for the purpose of analysis in order to better understand its magic disrupting properties." Shayera's eyes seemed to brighten at the knowledge as he continued on "It still remains in my possession within a pocket dimension so that it may not disrupt what must freely run within my home."

He paused for a long time as Shayera looked back out to the landscape before them, her heart feeling a little lighter in the knowledge that her beloved weapon was not beyond her reach. Despite this though she grew troubled, the weapon reminding her of her strike against John and of her final battle with Hro, was there anything that didn't remind her of her regrets and mistakes?

"I would like to return it to you when you feel ready."

She nodded "I'd like that."

"Be in the knowledge as well Shayera that Inza and myself are available should you wish to talk of your experiences, you have my word that you will not receive judgement from us."

"I know, and thank-you." She took a deep breath "I just..."

"Need time, I know." He looked at her in such a way that made her feel that he might have been smiling beneath that helmet, convinced of it as she was, she smiled at him in return.

Slowly though her expression fell "I don't know where I belong anymore...it sounds pathetic doesn't it?"

He didn't answer immediately and she merely held herself with her arms, a strange want to fly filling her up inside. Flying was what she did when she felt lost and unsure, perhaps even afraid and right now she wanted nothing more than to feel the wind in her hair and the moisture on her skin.

"It isn't pathetic at all." He turned to her and fixed his strange gaze upon her "You need only to discover your place, but it is there waiting for you. I have said it once but you must see your predicament from other angles, only then will you know how you can move on."

"How does seeing it from other angles help me? The situation remains the same. I still betrayed my people. Humans are still afraid of me. I am still responsible for lives lost!" and there were broken hearts as well, hearts she was sure were beyond her ability to mend.

Dr Fate remained calm in the face of her frustrations "You hold onto them as if they are manacles bound to your legs. Like anchors which halt the momentum of a ship, your manacles halt the momentum of your life. So long as you refuse to release them you will stay as you are, you will not move on and you will not change."

Shayera's expression became something of confusion and sadness, the realisation that she was trapped dawning on her and compressing her soul further inward.

"You must meditate on your life, Shayera. Meditate upon it and upon its direction. Discover who you are and who you want to be and find the place where you belong."


	6. Chapter 6

Flight of an Exile

Chapter Six

"_I know what you want, what you need."_

She thought about those words as she lay there on her bed, wondered what they really meant and pondered on whether or not she knew what those things were in relation to herself. Did she know what she wanted? What she needed?

The death of Grundy weighed heavily upon her, crushing down on what little of her was left and what precious little had managed to grow in the care of the Fates. Perhaps it was heavier still because the final strike had been hers, a burden she had willingly shouldered because he was her friend and the responsibility could not have belonged to anyone else. While the grief swelled within her and tore what she had rebuilt apart, her heart shuddered and fractured, bleeding she was sure into every inch of her until everything hurt just as much as it did. It wasn't just because of Grundy either.

She was in the Earth's orbit, floating around in the fortress of the newly expanded Justice League. It was unfamiliar, foreign and cold. Cold not just because of the metal walls and surfaces but because of those within as well, because every set of eyes that landed upon her were icy and accusing, filled with nothing but disgust, hatred and mistrust. Shayera writhed beneath them and collapsed in on herself, perhaps her moment of relief in the face of Superman's reassurance and John's support was a false hope, perhaps it had led her to make a premature decision. The coldness also stemmed from the loneliness and the unworthiness that had suddenly spread into every part of her, cutting at her heart with icy knives until she was close to screaming out for mercy.

He had visited her. The man she loved, the man she couldn't untangle from her heart and mind, the man that she had found the nerve to live for. The man who's promise of a future had steadied her wings as she had fallen in a suicide freefall for the ground. A man, whose love had seen her choose one world over her own, had filled her with something she had never experienced before.

Earlier on he had been warm and welcoming despite her want to stay away from him, she still wanted to meet him on her own terms and Grundy's stampede downtown wasn't what she had had in mind. Regardless though she had been forced to confront him and he had given her nothing but support and compassion, had even gone with her to this new Watchtower, right beside her. His presence had made her feel safe, had given her the courage to accept Superman's offer for her to return, had stopped her from running in the opposite direction when every eye bore into her with their cold stares.

He had visited her. Had knocked on the door and stood before her as she had answered with a shy smile on her lips, gazing up at him with hope and love, practically baring what remained of her soul to him. Everything she was, everything that was left...everything she had left to give.

And he had rejected her.

She learned of his new relationship with a woman named Vixen and he described that they had been dating for some months now. That he would be beside her as her friend and would be there if she needed him and that he could offer nothing else.

Before he had told her she had been on the verges of reaching out to him, wanting to touch him and be close to him, desperate to confide in him and explain everything, to feel what it was to be with him just like it used to be, all of the love and safety, the way it had felt perfect and right. It had hurt her when he had told her of this other woman, her mind slowly making the connection between the woman he described and the woman she had seen while they worked to stop Grundy hurting more innocents. She could see why he was attracted to her, she was beautiful and exotic looking, Shayera couldn't compete with that, she wasn't even sure if she could try. In truth she should have expected his rejection, after all look at what she had done to him, to his heart that he had so willingly exposed to her, given to her. Why would he want to take her back, what could he possibly want with this mess of a woman who had done nothing but hurt him and his world?

So she had smiled weakly at him, the expression never reaching her eyes and never stripping away the hurt that echoed in her tired emeralds. She bid him goodnight and thanked him for his support, feeling like she was saying goodnight to a stranger even as her heart yanked in her chest, desperate as it was to join his even though there was no place there for it now.

And she wept. She lay there on the bed, her mace discarded somewhere within the room as she cried herself into oblivion, her tears physically draining her body as she quaked and broke. She saved herself on that day because John had become her lifeline, the opportunity to repair his heart and her own and in turn their relationship a motivation that could not hope to be outdone. Yet, her lifeline proved to be ill founded, John had moved on within the space of a year and although she felt unworthy of him and of the love she wished to be there, she hurt in the knowledge that he had moved on so easily, that he had _replaced _her so easily. That, above all else hurt her more than anything else ever could.

She wept until she was all consumed, and she cried until she fell into a fitful sleep, a sleep that would be filled with haunting shadows and taunts that would see her wake in the early hours. Hours which she burned away staring at the image of the Earth as it swirled slowly beyond her window.

Some months later her situation had not improved. Wherever she went and wherever she turned there were accusations and slipped comments, few of those aboard the satellite bothering to contain the hatred for her that burned within their veins. Shayera took to staying in her room as much as possible, rarely leaving unless she had been assigned to a mission, missions that would see her babysat by the Founders or patronised by the younger recruits. Would see her trying to save those that had nothing but fear in their eyes upon seeing her grey wings and piercing gaze. Memories of others like her at the forefront of their minds while they lashed out at her and tried to prevent her from aiding them.

Shayera grew weaker in time, but also angrier. She sunk low into herself, withdrawing somewhere deep while on the outside she appeared to be untouchable and unbreakable, a hard stony glare her only defence against those that judged her always. The insults and jibes built up within her and so did the hurt and resentment she was beginning to harbour for John Stewart until a knot of anger began to build itself within her. It was small at first, something that was born out of her situation and the part of her that didn't want to cope with it anymore, the part that still wanted to fight, the part that was sick of hurting day in and day out. Eventually the anger would burst out of her but it wasn't until a few weeks later that it received the encouragement it needed.

In battle she put up little fight, she didn't hit out as fast and as irrationally as before, she mostly defended herself and it led to her receiving injuries. Like the others who were wounded during missions she was sent to the infirmary where J'onn was often stationed alongside many civilian staff members. The first time she visited she was surprised by the amount of people working there, back when the League was small they had been alone and had essentially been each other's doctor. It was why she didn't trust anyone but J'onn to tend to her injuries. After she was bandaged up though he had departed, she too had attempted to leave but the security staff tried to prevent her and had made to keep her there against her will.

The pearl of anger that had been growing within her, the cold rage that had been born out of her pain and of her guilt led her into restraining one of those who would keep her there, shoving the burly and taller guard into the wall as she pointedly glared at him. She'd interrogated him with straight to the point questions and he had answered honestly, of course he had, everyone was being painfully honest with her these days, she knew exactly how everyone felt about her because everyone was so willing to share it. The information he had given her had led her to this moment as she strode down the hallways of the Watchtower ignoring all around her as her fury burned inside of her.

_How dare they._

She found where they were holed up, their wonderful little conference room where they placed themselves in the authority of making decisions for everyone else. Shayera remembered when their meetings used to take place in the kitchen, all seven of them eating various foods and drinking mochas as they discussed what had been going on and how they were going to build on their teamwork. All the while making jokes and laughing about small things that struck their amusement. She missed those days, she missed her family and most of all she hated herself for destroying it.

The door was sealed shut and required a code. She didn't bother to punch hers in knowing that it wouldn't recognise her. Instead she shoved the head of her mace into the control panel and electrified it, short circuiting the lock so that the door jittered and shuddered on its hydraulics where she proceeded to shove it aside.

"What is the meaning of this?" Diana was already on her feet when she entered, so were the others as well but her focus was on J'onn and J'onn alone.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" Shayera demanded, slamming her mace into the table and making Wally flinch as he was sat right beside where the weapon had impacted. John was to her other side but she blanked him completely.

"Shayera, this isn't the time..." Superman tried to be diplomatic but she didn't take her eyes off of J'onn when she answered him sharply.

"Stay out of this."

J'onn stood to his feet feeling her anger against his mind, her anger so deep and raw, so mingled with pain and shame that he could feel it pressing around her despite her closed mind. He understood, he knew it to be a part of her grief, a part of the process of healing. He himself had felt sorrow and then the biting grip of anger that came after. He understood perhaps better than any of those present except perhaps for Batman whose anger had never dissipated, because he had never allowed others to fill the hole that had been formed within him.

"I did what I thought was appropriate." J'onn said in a level tone.

Shayera's eyebrows merely knotted further. "And you didn't think that it was _appropriate _to consult me first?"

"What is appropriate is for you to leave." Diana rebutted from her standing position at the table, Superman casting her an anxious look as she glared at the shorter woman with a look of complete disgust and hatred.

Shayera met her gaze, gripping her mace so that her hands wouldn't tremble. "Back. Off. Princess." Was her warning, voice low and dangerous, a tone that each of them knew to avoid.

"Shayera, it is for your own protection." J'onn tried to regain the conversation, anything to stop her anger boiling over and resulting in a conflict with Diana, their friendship might never be repaired otherwise.

She looked about the room all of a sudden taking in its details and finding that she hated it. This formal room with its round table and seats, each of them sitting there as if they were the head of the world. It was so professional, so formal.

"Calm down, Shayera. We can all talk about this." John's deep voice tried to reason with her.

Her head turned so that her gaze was upon his and John held it for a moment until he looked away probably wishing he hadn't said anything, particularly when she dragged her mace over the table, filling the room with the screaming sound of metal against metal as she made sure to make as many gouges and scratches in their precious table as possible. There had been a time when he wouldn't have looked away, when he would have held her gaze for an eternity while she luxuriously swam in his luminescent orbs, letting herself melt right down into her heart despite its shielding grown from the many years of war in her previous life.

She looked at each of them one after the other, only Batman, J'onn and Wally would hold her gaze, the others looked away or wouldn't look at her at all in the case of Diana, and she suddenly felt that she hated them. She hated them for bringing her back here and she hated them for making her feel as though she were the lowest creature on this forsaken vessel. She hated them for making her feel so small.

Anger still biting at her heels she stared darkly into J'onn's orange eyes before saying firmly "Take me off of suicide watch. Now."

Before she stalked out he inclined his head to show that he would and when the door awkwardly closed behind her on its damaged system, Diana didn't hesitate.

"How dare she charge in here and make demands."

"Give her a break, Diana." Wally muttered even as John opened his mouth but decided to close it.

An argument then broke out between the Amazon and the fastest man alive as one defended and the other attacked, they didn't stop until Superman stood to his feet.

"It's time I had a word with her." He said simply "The meeting is adjourned."

After her confrontation in the conference room, Shayera had stalked back to her quarters, the anger that had overwhelmed her beginning to dissipate. It left her feeling drained and tired, it was something she still couldn't maintain as well as she once had, her passion and spirit still missing. Once her anger was gone though she was left with a different feeling, something closer to regret and sorrow, something that grieved for what she had had with these people that was now gone. Previously they wouldn't have made such decisions without her, they would have spoken to her, discussed it with her, yet now they were leaving her out of the equation. They seemed to be rejecting everything they had ever learned or understood of her, treating her as if she were a stranger with a grievous past and they giving her a place to stay but keeping her at arm's reach.

She ran a hand through her hair, slumping onto her bed as she did so. Why was she even here? Why had she come back? She knew the reasons, she had hoped that she could fix everything, that maybe her life wouldn't be as lost as it had felt for so long, but instead she was met with new revelations and new reasons to feel alone and lost. Just as she was about to slump on her bed and maybe grab one of the books Wally had brought for her some days ago, a knock sounded against her door. It took her a moment to realise what the sound even was, no one visited her. The knock was a gentle tapping almost as if the person on the other side of the door was dubious of knocking there. Gingerly Shayera got to her feet, wings pulled close against her body, not unlike the way a cat's ears would set flat against its head in times of fear or uncertainty. She reached for the control pad and took a step back when the door slid on its functioning hydraulics, her mind racing as to who this visitor may be. When the door revealed Superman her thoughts were at a loss, why was he here?

He stood there awkwardly for a few moments, his broad shoulders seeming to fill the entire view she had from her door, but she was still able to see the eyes of those who passed and the murmurs they muttered as they looked on with interest. Superman seemed unfazed by them, that or he didn't seem to care.

"May I come in?" He asked.

Shayera fixed him with an even look, not giving away anything "Superman, if this is about earlier..."

"I just want to talk," was his assurance "Just let me say a few things and then I'll be gone."

Despite her better judgement she moved aside and let him pass, and he did so carefully, clearly avoiding disturbing her living space as much as possible. This was the only sanctuary she had and he was aware of it. She stood behind him somewhere as he continued to discreetly look about her room, the entire space devoid of anything personal except for her mace that hung on the wall and the pile of books upon her desk.

"Superman, if you don't mind...I'd like to get this over with."

"Clark." Was his response to her terse words, the friendly tone of his voice never leaving as he turned to smile at her reassuringly.

"What?" She replied a little dumbfounded, she recognised the name for she had known all of their secret identities, but his saying his name confused her.

"You can call me Clark." He clarified for her "We've known each other for a while now, and besides, I know your name." He shrugged but maintained his friendly air.

She stared at him a moment before she nodded her head tightly. He was trusting her with his identity and allowing her to use his name was an intimate thing in the Superhero world...it meant that they were trusted friends.

"Do you mind if I sit down?"

She shook her head and gestured to a seat, a hard metal one that hurt her wings. It was why it was loaded with books instead of being ready and waiting to bear someone's weight. Clark was unperturbed by the books, lifting them and placing them on the desk with the others, his eyes reading the titles.

"That one is a good one." He said as he pointed at the top book "I read that a few years back."

"Wally...gave them to me." Shayera explained as if she was trying to justify herself, a strange defensive response she had picked up of late. Superman only smiled as he sat down on the chair and gestured for her to take a seat as well but she declined.

"Shayera...I owe you an apology."

She frowned and seemed to fold her arms although she didn't do so they way she once did, they were not folded to keep others away, instead they held her in a self hug, anxious as she was for this looming conversation.

"No you don't." She replied at last before finally succumbing to his earlier gesture and seating herself upon the edge of her bed.

Clark shook his head and leaned forward slightly so that he could see her better "I do." He looked to her as she finally made eye contact with him "I should have come and spoken to you a lot sooner, instead I left you on your own when I might've been the only one who could understand. For that...I'm sorry."

Shayera didn't know how to respond, her resolve quivering at his apology but she put on her defensive shielding as she always did. "Last time I checked you weren't responsible for nearly destroying the planet." Shayera remarked dryly.

"Darkseid used me once, manipulated me and set me off against the planet, against the people I had spent my life caring for and protecting. I caused a lot of damage." He looked at her sadly before he continued "I lost the trust of the world just as you have."

Shayera didn't say a word, just watched him quietly until she finally asked her question, a question that would reveal a vulnerability she never showed.

"How did you get it back?" Her voice was low and quiet, almost a whisper but Clark heard it clearly.

"With time and work. You have to gain their trust a little at a time, but first...you have to let go of the guilt. You can't move on unless you let it go, it will do nothing but make you feel angry and resentful."

She opened her mouth to argue but closed it again.

"Believe me, Shayera...I know it's hard, I know you want to hang onto it because you feel it's all you deserve but it's not." He gifted her with a smile "Everyone deserves a second chance and you have one, don't waste it being buried beneath guilt and anger. Trust me, I know."

Slowly she nodded her head, not promising that she would release the guilt but promising that she at least understood what it was he was trying to tell her.

"Our situations are different."

Clark agreed "I know, but people's trust and faith can be regained in the same way. Show them who you are and they'll give you another chance. The ones that don't...it doesn't matter." He stood to his feet and placed a hand on her shoulder "We're all here for you. You _are_ a part of our family."

Shayera shook her head "No I'm not...it's been made pretty clear."

"That's our fault, not yours. I think that we haven't been sure how to approach you but..." He paused a second in thought before he smiled "Did you notice something when you were in the conference room?"

Shayera thought for a moment, only remembering the anger that had been within her and how much she hated being in that room.

"What was there to notice?" She asked a little sharply.

"There are seven chairs around the table."

She sat there a moment before it dawned on her. They had rebuilt the Watchtower and they had built their conference room, but even though she wasn't there and might not have come back, they had placed a chair there for her regardless.

"There was always a place for you should you come back, Shayera. There still is."

He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly before he turned to leave, but she stood as he reached the door.

"Clark..." He turned, pleased that she had finally committed to using his name as he had offered "Thank-you."

"You're welcome...remember that I'm here if you ever want to talk, and so are the others." The door slid past and just before he stepped out he added one last thing "When you feel ready...I'd like for you to join us at our weekly meeting, but there's no rush if you don't feel up to it yet."

Shayera nodded her head and watched him leave. The conversation had surprised her on many levels, not only because he hadn't called her out over her actions in the conference room, but because he had revealed to her his own personal experiences in the hopes that it would help her. She didn't know if she could gain the people's trust as easily as Superman, he was Superman after all, but his encouragement and advice had given her food for thought and had blossomed a hope within her. Maybe things weren't as unfixable as she had come to believe, maybe she could rebuild a place for herself, and there was a place for her after all.

Maybe with enough time she would attend some of the meetings, maybe she could even make amends with the others in time as well. She had no idea as she stood there that all of these things and more would come to pass, that she and Diana would regain an understanding and that she herself would find comrades amongst this new expanded Justice League.

In time she would discover who she was, who Shayera Hol was when she wasn't trapped beneath a false identity. She would learn that she was more like the Hawkgirl she rejected and less like the Lieutenant she hated, and she would learn that she still had her family even if not completely in the way that she wanted. John would always remain a problem for a while but she hoped that in time, like everything else, it would be repaired and they could finally have the life together that they had dreamed of.

For now though, Shayera Hol moved to her bed a book grasped in her hand. She sat on the bed and flipped the book open even as she glanced out of her observation window to spy the Earth gleaming below. For a few minutes she watched it turn before she smiled. She smiled because even though she had betrayed so many things and so many people, she had made the right choice in protecting this world and she would stand by her decision no matter what.

She was Shayera Hol and she could finally be more than an Exile.

_End_

**AN/ I'd like to thank everyone who has read and reviewed this story, I hope that you've enjoyed reading it as much as I've enjoyed writing it. I'd also like to once again thank Loki's Son for encouraging me to go back to this and write it. **

**Thanks again! And Best wishes :D**


End file.
